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Tuesday, May 12th, 2015
10:13 pm - Abusive relationship...blast from the past.
"Either way, the result was the same: I was a terrible girlfriend. I was accused of not loving him, not trusting him, and even of cheating on him. The only way to calm him down and keep him from pinning me down on the bed was to apologize profusely and say I'd never do whatever upset him again. " -From a Huff Post article

Wow...Just wow. This article spoke volumes to me about a relationship I was in from 2008-2013. Just about 5 years of my life spent learning a hard hard lesson. I wouldn't say it was a complete waste. I learned so much about myself once I got out. But that above statement reminded me of the struggle that I went through. '

To be completely honest the first year is always the best. Everything is literally sugar-coated and you are too twinkled eye to see the bad or the harmful things. I guess that's why it's called the honeymoon stage. You build a future in your mind with this person. They are totally everything you ever wanted. Why should you pay attention to the bad things? Why should you question their intentions towards you? Aren't they the same as yours?

ABout 8-12 months into the relationship though, I did begin notice things going arwy. My friends (my BFF in particular) started noticed my at the time boyfriend texting them. A random hello.....I thought nothing of it, but my friends thought it was weird. As the years kept passing by and as these texts became more frequent when I was away from my at the time boyfriend, I realized it was his sneaky way of keeping tabs of me. He had to make sure I was where I was with whom I said I was going to be with, so he would text my friends. This is before the time of Find My iPhone was around. I am sure if that was around back then, he would have used it as well.

I began to lie to him sometimes about which friends I would go see. Well, no. I only lied about one person. My boyfriend before him had a really cool sister. We were still good friends and would catch up from time to time (like once or twice a year). I would tell him it was a friend from the dorms, and left it at that. If he would have known it was a previous' boyfriend's sister, it might as well been the end of the world. I would have been yelled at about betraying him. I would have been forbidden to see her if  he would have known. I had to lie.  I would do it again if I was in that situation again.

Things got worse of course. During the time that I was with him I was putting myself through court reporting school. My parents were NOT supportive of my career choice or boyfriend. It was so stressful. I secretly wished that I would get killed in a freak accident every day. I wasn't suicidal, but if I disappeared from the would, it would have been okay by me. Anyway, during this time I worked part time in the evenings. I didn't make much, and what I made was going ALL towards my schooling, paying student loans, gas, and necessities like deoderant and food. But when we went out on dates, guess who paid most of the time? Yup, me. I even gave him $750 to repair his car. I never asked for a dime back. Did he ever pay my tuition? Nope. Sure he would buy me nice gifts and sometimes treat me out to dinner AND a movie, but it's not the same as $750. Another time he used my credit card to buy concert tickets for a band from Mexico....$500. He paid about 60% of it. Also one lovely Black Friday, he jumped on board my Express credit card to buy himself some "work clothes." The total? Another $500. He paid me about $100. That's it. I never asked for a dime. I paid off all these expenses by myself, and paying tuition and everything else.

Yet, despite all these wonderful things I was doing for him, I was still the bitch. Yes, he did call me that. I wasn't spending enough time with him. Keep in mind, I was attending school FULL TIME and working part time. We live about 18 miles apart. We would see each other once a week on the weekends. I also had homework and family obligations. Once a week was not enough for him. He wanted to see me more. So I was a brat for not giving him more time.

Oh, another time we were at a party with my classmates from elemtary school. I was so happy to see them all! I had spent 7-9 years with these people (I went to private school)! At that time it had been a couple of years since I had seen them. I did my best to introduce him to everyone, but I am not perfect. I know I missed a few. Welp, when I was having a conversation with this guy I sat next to, he freaked out.  My ex was sitting right next to me, and this other old classmate was across the coffee table on a separate couch. We were catching up on college life! But my ex took it as me being interested in my old classmate...what. the. fuck. We got into a huge argument. I don't even remember how it ended. He always brought this moment up years later and threw it at me like I was some terrible whore from the street.

So despite all these terrible things, why the hell did I stick around?  "
He didn't know what he was doing. It wasn't on purpose. So I couldn't blame him." a direct quote from that huff post article. This was my mentality. He had somehow convinced me of this. I tried to break up with him twice. He went crazy. He showed up at my work with a bunch of roses...I had to stay with him, but in my heart I knew that I was done. I stayed with him because he made me promise not to break up with him again. So I stayed. I became more and more distant. I was so unhappy. And he would even ask me if I still love him. I would say yes, but the truth was, I didn't. I had stopped loving him about 2 years into the relationship. I wanted out, but I didn't know how. I wanted him to hit me so that I could leave and press charges.

The funniest thing looking back now is that one of my great great friends was in a similar situation with her at the time BF Mike. We both had these deadlines for them about getting their act togeter. Finding full time jobs, getting a career, etc. I remember our conversations over the phone "Okay. So if they don't have full time job by Summer 2011, we will break up with them in September." We never stuck to any of those deadlines. I wasn't strong enough yet. It would take me more time.

He finally broke up with me. It was hard. It was unreal. I was scared I would never find anyone to worship me the way he did. I didn't really want him to leave once it happened. But deep inside me I knew I wasn't going to try to repair this. The long awaited break up finally happened. The day after the break up my darling cat was hit by a car and died. This was hands-down the WORST time of my life. I spent the entire week crying in my room with the drapes drawn. I stopped going to school and even missed a couple of days from work. It wasn't the break up that was killing me now, it was the loss of my cat. The next couple of months I was in a daze. A month and half after our break up I found out he had a new GF. He did repeatedly try to meet with me again to work things out, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was in the midst of testing for my CSR license (you need a 97.5% in California to pass). I didn't have time for his bullshit. I was finally gaining the strength and courage he spent so long supressing.

I know for the month following the break up he repeatedly tried to contact me through my friends. He was even asking some of my friends to meet him late night at bars. What a piece of shit. I trully have exceptional friends who saw through his bullshit before I did. What a creep.


"It was some time before I realized I loved the potential of who he could be, not who he actually was." <-- Yes. This is what I had held onto for too long. This was my mistake. I love the potential of him being a paramedic and less oppresive. But that was not the reality of things. He was a guy with the worst credit on the planet, living with and supporting his parents, youger sister, older sister, brother-in-law, neice and nephrew working part time as a teaching assistant making just barely above minimum wage. That was the reality of the situation.

The year following the break up was one of the best years of my life. I found my inner strength and courage again. I was meeting up with some great guys. It was amazing. I loved this new-found freedom I had to talk to whomever I wanted and do whatever I wanted again. I started going to goth clubs again. I explored new events like AnimeExpo, Comikazee, and Bat's day and met some wonderful guys at each of those events! I knew I wasn't super ready for a realtionship yet, but I wasn't going to stop one from happening if things were headed in that direction.

I was finally out of this abusive relationship and I could not be happier.

In March 2014 at a birthday party for my BFF's oldest brother, I met the greatest guy on earth. I was going to this party expecting to see my family, because trully I was. I didn't get all dolled up. I was going there for some good drinks and a mechanical bull they rented. What ended up happening was I had some good drinks and a drawing session and a conversation that lasted till 2 in the morning with this crazy guy who I thought was a 32-year-old sociolgist but turned out to be a 24-year-old 3D animator (He's turning 26 next week!). This world is crazy. I am still taken aback by how this guy broke down my defenses so easily that I had kept up with the dozen other guys I had dated before him. Now that I have been with him for a year, I see how he did it. He was trully an amazing person. He is so kind, patient, laid back, independent, and a creative thinker. I can spend hours lost in conversation with him about everything. I am so blissful with him. My life has taken a turn for the better. Five years ago, if you would have told me this would be my life, I would not have believed you. I was stuck in this relaitonship that at the time I did not realize was abusive with no way out.

I am grateful he stepped down to let a real man in my life. I am grateful he took the initiative to get out of my life so someone better could step in. I am not grateful for the abuse but I am grateful that I came out a stronger, wiser, more confidnet woman. I think more voices need to hear about this type of abuse. Abuse doesn't mean it will leave bruises and physical scarss; abuse can mean it will make you fear for your own safety.



I can't believe how much I have written. I still hold some anger about this relationship. I don't know if I will ever be completely over it, but wriitng is a great way to get that anger out. Sometimes I forget it ever happened. But articles like this can trigger that anger to come flooding back. I have been very candid in this entry. I have censored nothing. I am not even sure anyone reads this anyway, but at least it is here for my own memory. Or if anyone ever searches Strawberryzink, I know it will come up. This was my struggle, my secret for so many years. But here I am, happy, healthy, and in the most romantic dream-like relationship ever. Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Mulan, and Jasmine have nothing on me. My own fairytale is so much better.

(do you wanna die?)

Monday, December 2nd, 2013
11:01 pm - Hello again LJ
It's been almost 6 years since my last post. Amazing! I haven't changed too much. I finished college and everything. I wonder if I can quickly sum up what has happened between spring/summer 2008 and now. I broke up with Dean and got with another guy. That relationship turned sour fast and I stupidly stayed in it longer than I should have. I was pathetic enough to give someone else my power. NEVER AGAIN. That ended earlier this year....thank goodness for that.

After college I wanted to pursue law school. My life didn't go that way either. Instead I went to court reporting school. I finally became a court reporter this year. Yup, licensed and everything.It was a long tough road, but I finished despite the odds.

So that sums up why I have been missing...well not really. So why am I back now? I need to have conversations with myself again that's why. In the relationship that I just got out of I lost sight of who I was. I got brainwashed. My ex-BF became my only confidant. He knew everything, and he had to know everything: where I was, who I was with, why I was them, what time was I leaving their company....He's more insecure than I have ever been. It took the breakup to see what a shitload of a relationship I was in. But I am out and free now, and probably happier than I have been in years despite the tragedies I have experienced this year.

This year has been one hell of  a roller coaster ride. I have cried so much this year. The failure of my relationship, the death of my dear cat, the death of a dear friend, and the happy times too, the success of finishing school, the success of passing the CSR exam, my two week road trip to Texas, my introduction to anime expo, long beach comicon, and comikaze, bats day at disneyland...yeah it's been a crazy year.

I know that the only thing holding me together both literally and figuratively is my skin. I am so overwhelmed with emotion and with no one to talk to. So I am back. I don't know if I am back for good, at least I am back for tonight. I don't think anyone even reads this anymore haha! And that's okay. I was having reading the things I wrote almost 10 years ago when I was in high school. I was such an emo, dramatic attention whore. Maybe I still am...who knows...but that's all for now folks!

current mood: refreshed

(do you wanna die?)

Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
8:46 pm
 Loneliness is scary. Not because the boogey man is hiding underneath your bed, but because you eventually forget how to act around other human beings. I only have about 2 more months of solitude, but so far I hate it. I am very shy, so it is hard for me to make friends, or to keep in touch with them. I don't even talk to my best friend anymore...but that's cause she never returns my messages. But its not just about phone conversations it is about going out to have coffee with someone, have someone else recognize your face. You have no idea how weird it is to not exist for anyone. What I mean by that is that no one knows who I am. No one will look at my face and see a friend. No one knows my name, where I cam from, who I am....I don't exist.  True my boyfriend lives a mile away, but he's never there. He is always busy. Is it bad if I resent him for that? I wish I could spend more time with him, but I myself lead a very busy life.  And yes I see my co-workers, but its not the same as having a friend to hang out with. I only  exist for my co-workers within the walls of the law office. Riverside sucks. Its the last two 2 months of my undergraduate life, and I hate them. I want them to be over already. College has sucked out so much of my spirit. I am not the person I once was. I miss being the teenager having fun, not giving a shit of what the world thought. Unfortunately I will never be 18 again, and I can't act that way again, because now I have to make life work for me. I have to find a solid job, apply to law school etc. I use to take so many risks, have adventures, and college has tamed me and I hate it. I hope that when I get back to LA I will be able to spread my wings and feel liberated. What does the future hold?

(2 dead | do you wanna die?)

Monday, January 28th, 2008
8:36 pm - El Cruce
Y ahorra no empiezo nada nuevo. Espero lo mejor para el futuro, pero cuando viene el futuro? Yo no se. Ni se porque escribo en español. Quisas porque lo necesito practicar. De todos modos, maña es mi precentacion y no estoy lista. Estoy nerviosa, me quiero ir del planeta ahorrita. Pero aqui estoy, pleyando con yo misma.  

current mood: nervous

(do you wanna die?)

Friday, January 25th, 2008
10:19 pm
Whatever happened to floppy disks? I haven't seen one in ages! I was asked to destroy a few at work today, which is the only reason why I bring it up. Meh...oh well I know very well the the USB sticks are a bajillion times better than floppys. So anyway, nothing exciting in my life. I live my life through The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins...I am still not finished! Its 618 pages, and I am on 552, so close yet so far! Honestly though I have been reading for my other classes. Good thing to, I had a quiz in my regulation class.

I saw Ligia today. It seems as though people (well at least the people around me) have gone into a dwarf hamster craze. I admit, they are irresistibly cute which is why I have one, but today Ligia got 2! They are smaller than mine, and we think its because they are still babies.But aww! I love the little fuzzies! They run like crazy too!

I keep dreading the day when I have to quit my job. I know my income is minimal in that job, but at least it was an income. But school comes first, especially since it is my last quarter. I wonder if I will occupy my soon to be free 10 hours wisely. I have been extremely lethargic as of late. I hope I am not catching any sort of virus. Anyway this post is just everywhere. I will work on organizing my thought better some other time.

(do you wanna die?)

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
9:20 pm - The Occasional Post
For any one who happens to pass by my livejournal and think "What ever happened to that girl?" I am alive and well. Most of my time is spent reading novels, reading court cases, interning at a law office, and hanging out with my love Dean among other insignificant things. I am happy to report that it is steadily raining outside tonight in Riverside. I love to hear the water drip drop from the trees onto the pavement. I should be reading, but I have all night long to do that. Especially since I don't plan to sleep. Ah so the sleepless nights begin. My last quarter in college and it sucks. I will be happy to be home again to see my friends. I don't know why, but I just don't seem to fit in here in Riverside...maybe I just haven't met the right people yet...no wait rephrase that. I had great friends that I could hang out with, but they have all graduated and moved away =( alas, but that is my fate as well. Good thing I leave no one behind to feel the loneliness that I feel. I guess I forgot to mention that I live alone now. My room mate moved out because like all my other Riverside friends, she graduated. So I no longer mean to keep myself here, or you for that matter. Away I go to read my sensation novel!

lub,
Jess

(do you wanna die?)

Wednesday, August 8th, 2007
7:15 pm - Short entry
Personal statements....I have to write one relatively soon. But how can I write positive things about myself when everything that I feel about myself is negative? Dammit why is this possibly the hardest paper I have ever written? I guess because I know all my flaws and don't really understand how I can tap dance around it. Well I shall try.

On another note, the Kiss concert was great! despite Paul Stanely having that heart incident =( but he is all up and groovy. Well that give me even more incentive to go to another Kiss concert again wooo!! The Cure is playing the 14th of October...and I want to go, but its too close to my cousin's due date, and I want to be there when the baby arrives.

Well away I go.

(2 dead | do you wanna die?)

Monday, July 23rd, 2007
4:25 pm - Summer so far
My summer session is finally coming to an end. I have never been happier for summer school to over more than now. I have my last Harry Potter novel waiting for me to open its pages, but I won't be able to read it until Friday...its really a sort of torture for me. I want to know what happens, but I don't want anyone to tell me. I want to see what fate...or what the author, has in store for all the characters.

But for now I must write a paper relating a group of ancient political philosophizers and American government...not fun =( but it has to be done. I know that no one really reads this so I feel safe saying whatever I want...I seriously think that only 2 people ever remember that I have a live journal, but thats ok, I like it that way. Anyway my cousin Nadia...I could write a book on her. I love her, don't get me wrong, its just....she made a choice, and while at first I was unhappy with that choice I have now embraced it.

I can expect to see a new baby girl on Halloween =D yes, my cousin Nadia is preggers. And you know it wasn't the pregnancy that upset me, it was the guy she mated with...sorry to put it so bluntly but it is true. This guy, Vincent, has been in and out of prison. She has been dating him on and off for 3 or 4 years now, and I have tried so hard to persuade her that he is not the best guy for her, but she does not listen. He is very abusive of her and angers me more than anything. Last week she had broken up with him, but I am sure that this week she is back with him.

The Extent of the abuse:

1.In front of me he has called her ugly, well not in those words, but I heard him say "Nadia, you should be more beautiful" motherfucker, my cousin is way too pretty for him.

2. He has stolen her car twice to my knowledge. The most recent one was when she was still attending classes at cal state LA. He abandoned her there with no ride and she waited for him until 9 p.m. at which point she called her parents. This is suppose to be love? A boyfriend that takes your car so he can have a boxcar with all his friends and forget about you? What bullshit.

3. He had initially given Nadia's family a parrot he had captured in a palm tree or something. Nadia and her family were very happy with the bird, they had the cage left over from their other bird that was sadly eaten by dog. Well one day he decides that Nadia isn't good enough, so he breaks into their house when they are not home, leaves it a mess, and takes the bird that was suppose to be a gift from him. Last time I checked, when you give a gift you don't take it back unless you are going to exchange it for a bigger size or something.

4. He disrespects my cousin. He does not let her talk at all.

5. He's a coward. The reason he would go with her to Cal state LA is because he did not want her talking to any other guys. He was supper jealous. I got into a fight with him about this. Meeting new guys is expected from a college environment. I guess he doesn't know that cause he's never been to a college, community or otherwise.

6. He used to deal and use crack cocaine.

7. He is now a janitor with no future plans at the moment.

8. HE HAD A KID WITH ANOTHER WOMAN BEFORE...I dunno if my cousin knew that before, but I certainly didn't! And according to his mom he does not support that other child in any way.


I think the worst part of all this is that Nadia lives next door, so it is very difficult for her to avoid seeing him. If you can't tell from this lengthy post, I don't have high expectations of this guy, and I don't think I ever will. This guy has disrespected me. In the middle of that argument about meeting guys in college he walked out on me...I guess he realized that maybe I had reason in saying that he was an idiot for thinking that Nadia wouldn't meet guys in school.

On a happier note, I can't wait for the little girl to be here. I want her to be ignorant of her father, but I know that its not in my control. I am now happy that the secret is finally out, even though it took 5 months. I want to protect her from everything that is bad. I feel like she is going to be my daughter too, maybe because this is the closet cousin I have, the only blood relative that comes close to being my sister.

Oh one more thing, one of my aunts talked shit about me. I am not sure what she said. But all I have to say to that is, was it truthful? Or was it some concoction of her imagination? I am not satanic...far from it. I am not the one that has dropped out of high school...I dunno...I wonder if she ever looks at her own daughter. Maybe she doesn't like me cause I am the only one that talks back when she tells me that my religion is crap and that her religion is right...its such crap to me. I have my beliefs and I wish she would respect them like I respect hers. I never go up to her and tell her that her religion is crap and wrong and that she won't get to heaven because of that.

With that said, Abby you're in my prayers if you are reading this, and so is Marisol, my cousin, and my uncle who has unfortunately been threatened by a terrorist group in El Salvador =(

lub,
Jess

P.S. I will be going to the kiss concert this Friday wooo!!

(7 dead | do you wanna die?)

Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
12:26 am - The Perfect Song Today
Illusion by VNV Nation

"I know it's hard to tell how mixed up you feel
Hoping what you need is behind every door
Each time you get hurt, I don't want you to change
Because everyone has hopes, you're human after all
The feeling sometimes, wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though you never belong
This feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy
I truly understand, Please, don't cry now

Please don't go, I want you to stay
I'm begging you please, please don't leave here
I don't want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you
Please don't go, I want you to stay
I'm begging you please, please don't leave here
I don't want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you

Being like you are
Well this is something else, who would comprehend
But some that do, lay claim
Divine purpose blesses them
That's not what I believe, it doesn't matter anyway
A part of your soul ties you to the next world
Or maybe to the last, But I'm still not sure
But What I do know is, to us the world is different
As we are to the world but, I guess you would know that"

(do you wanna die?)

Monday, July 9th, 2007
12:15 am - Fuck You
If anyone tells me: "Well you choose to do that..no one told you to do it" just fuck yourself up and leave me alone because I don't want to fucking see your face, or know who you are, and please just delete me from your friends list if you think that too.



I am not searching for sympathy or advice, or anything like that. I just want someone to listen, or in this case read. Right now I honestly feel like going to get my ears pierced again...anything that will bring physical pain to take away emotional pain. I HATE MY LIFE at the moment. I feel as though summer school was a mistake. I am here writing another blog that no one reads because it allows me to let out my emotions without having my roomate see the tears flow down my face. I feel as though I have to bottleup my emotion inside and keep it there hidden from view. Well if you read this I guess you know that some where inside of me is a glassbottle just filling up with so many feelings, and one day it will break, and I am not sure what is going to happen. An overweight imbecile. Me....Maybe a week from today things will get better.

I guess I was just hurt today really badly by someone I love. He made me feel dumb, and like someone who is impaired. I didn't receive a fully apology...now that my roomie is asleep my tears finally just erupted. "Living life...don't you cry...my life...pain is god. Living life, paingful thoughts occur..knowing me again I am wrong.......someone save me...now these memories still I hide, they bury me"- JD

At least these classes will all be over soon, the sooner I can open the cap on my bottle a bit to let some pressure out.



Hate me or love me,

Jessica

(2 dead | do you wanna die?)

Tuesday, May 29th, 2007
7:16 pm - Random
Decided to take a break from my paper, just so I can write some more somwhere else about something else.

I can see the dirty air outside my window. It's hugging the mountain behind the school.
I see a shirtless guy walking around the parking lot as a red car comes in and a girl speaks on her cell phone. I wonder what she's talking about.

Nothing to exciting on my own toes. Just trying to finish my final quarter of junior year. Scary I know....I've been thinking alot about grad school...well namely law school.

Anthony Solana Jr. is a godsend. He totally guides you through the admissions process and what to do when you get on the waiting list.

Giant roaches are disgusting.



Well back to my paper.

What a crap job of an entry, but hey, its an entry.

current mood: productive

(do you wanna die?)

Wednesday, March 14th, 2007
1:11 am
Such a great song:

Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't want to fall in love
[This love is only gonna break your heart]
No, I don't want to fall in love
[This love is only gonna break your heart]
With you
With you

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
To let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say
You never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do
To make me dream of you
v And I don't wanna fall in love
[This love is only gonna break your heart]
And I don't want to fall in love
[This love is only gonna break your heart]


Wicked Games by Chris Isaak

(do you wanna die?)

Thursday, March 8th, 2007
10:31 pm - just thinking...
So I know that medieval studies is now a major. Someone should make Gothic fiction a major, or at least Victorian literature, or restoration literature major!

As I was watching The Devil's Backbone today with the commentary on by Guillermo Del Torro (I am writing my final paper on this film for my horror film English class), he was talking about how part of the inspiration of the film was from Gothic Literature. He mentioned "The Castle of Ontranto," the very first gothic novel, and I just jumped off my seat in ecstasy, this film had gothic elements! At Last!!! I have a thesis! And so now I think Guillermo del Torro is even more awesome then i originally thought him to be. If you haven't seen Pan's Labyrinth, go watch it. And just get past all the gore, and look at the meaning of the story, the political figures, and gender roles. There's more there than meets the eye. And then go watch The Devil's Backbone, cause its just as good. OK that is all.

(do you wanna die?)

Thursday, March 1st, 2007
2:05 pm - what do i have?
what do I have? Things that other people wish for. What do I want? To feel that I have something. I wish I had the courage and ambition and dedication other people have. Ha! I am just a lazy ass I guess oh well why complain?

(do you wanna die?)

Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
2:30 pm - Clouds
As I walked back from class today, I realized what a perfect day it is. Despite my preferential trade agreement and non-governmental organizations and their policies on human rights paper due today, what a beautiful day. The clouds are calming floating pass this dry bare dirty city called Riverside, and yet I don’t think anyone is paying them much attention. I looked up at the sky as I walked home, and saw a bunny laying down against the brilliant blue of the sky after the storm, I saw a rubber ducky happily floating by on the blue waters of the sky. And just as my eyes were taking it all in I was finally able to see the San Bernardino mountains (they have been shielded by an unrelenting wall of smog lately), they were covered with snow for the first time in a long time. This is my idea of a perfect day. The temperature is somewhere in the 60’s with a light breeze, its sunny, but the moving masses of clouds provide shade here and there. I actually forgot where I was as I stared into the sky and probably walked into 10 different people. My mind wandered to central California, near Solvang with the rolling green hills parted by a creek. I imagined myself to be walking on those grassy hills with big trees and their commanding branches. I imagined myself on the road between Solvang and that waterfall that is near by, just in case you want to take a step into my imagination. I can only wish for more days like this, with big beautiful clouds maneuvering through the skies, a breath of fresh air, and comfy weather. Even as I sit here and write this I can not help but look out the window, and even though a bunch of roof tops disrupt my view, my visualization is still the rolling hills up by Solvang.

I just felt like sharing this with everyone because clouds this beautiful don’t fly over Riverside everyday. And now, I wish for nothing more than a car trip to the place that my imagination took me to. Anyone want to come?

Lub,
Jess

(do you wanna die?)

Saturday, December 9th, 2006
11:14 pm - I know I am fat
"For My sister who Thinks I'm Unhappy Because, I Like Her, Don't Wear a Size 6" by Sandra Munoz.

Please, Por Favor
do not place my worth
on the size of my stomach.
Do not judge how happy I am
by the size of my jeans.
I am much. much more than
how much I weigh
how pretty I look on Saturday nights
how close I an push my breasts to my chin.

Look
I am not even remotely close
to you average
runway model,covergirl.
I do not eat yogurt, sprouts or Ex-Lax chocolates
on a regular basis.
I do not wake up
with a mascara brush in one hand
and a lipstick liner in the other.

Actually,
I find pride in how little time
it takes me to aply the litte
make-up I do use
and still not cause
any major traffic accidnets.

Son't get me wrong
this is not a peom
dogging my sisters
who spend hours
painting their beautiful selves.

But me
I am more than
my breasts
my thighs
my love handles
my calves
my lashes
my lips.

Yes, you can be happy
and not be a size 6 or 7 or 8 or 9...
Well, that's really not any of
your damn business.

Yes, I do like what  Isee in the mirror.
And yes, I will have some more tacos.
And no, I don't want to walk to the market.

Listen
Do not judge
my value
my abilites
my intelligence
my sense of humor
my disposition
by how I look
by what I wear
by a number on a scale
by how long it will take you
to put your arms around me.

Listen
I know una mujer hermosa
piel morena, full lips, silken hair
size 1
thin as hell
who hates herself.

Alright already
I mean is enough ever enough?
Do you really think
one size fits all?

Heaven,
Heaven must be that place
that one place
were all women
love themselves
make-up free
hair-spray free
high-heel free
panty-hose free
girdle-free
scale-free
exercsie free
acrylic-free
silicon-free
blue contacts lense-free
underwire-free
hair bleach-free
Jenny Craig-free
SELF-HATE free.

Heaven,
heaven must be that place
that one place
where we are all free
free to be who we are
when we wake up in the morning
free to be who we were born to be.

(do you wanna die?)

Monday, July 10th, 2006
2:43 pm
I do not have anything concrete to write about. I am alive. I go to school and hang out with friends. I still feel like I am still 17 at times. I go to gigs and see how young some of the people are. Geez, how cool they must feel, just how I would have felt at that age. Anyway, I look forward to seeing my cousins come and visit on Thursday. They will spending a week here then they go back to El Salvador. I have not decided on whether or not I want to go. I should to go see our new house and see my cousins. Well I have to go...I sitll have dial up and the phone is wanted.

current mood: cheerful

(do you wanna die?)

Monday, June 26th, 2006
9:11 pm - another day
I went to school this morning adn parked my car by Jen's place expecting to see her in the afternoon, but I didn't. So I had a pleasant walk through one of many Santa Monica neighborhoods and realized how happy i was to be living in my own house in mid-city los angeles. I mean all the parking there was permit only, it seemed really dead. I felt that if I even sneezed I'd have the cops on my ass telling me to keep it down. Although I do miss Beverlywood a ton, I realize that I am much more at ease here, where our home, thought small, is still much bigger than our old apartment, and we even have quite a sizable back yard! Another cool thing about this neighborhood is that they are constantly filming commercials, music videos, tv shows, and i guess now they must be filming a movie. There are so many stadium lights on the block next to us. One annoying thing about that is that the trucks with all the equipment take up so much space! And then to have the set quiet they have to close the streets. Well everything comes at a price I guess. As far as we have lived here our house was only previewed once for a music video for lil jon and ice cube hehe, but our home wasn't selected..oh wellz. But now I am off to finish my homework once again. I can't wait until I am working behind a desk or something, that way I will be getting paid to do the writing, reading, and research.

(do you wanna die?)

Sunday, June 25th, 2006
10:32 am
Well folks I am in Los Angles. Actually I have been home for exactly a week now. I've had a great week. I started summer school last monday. Then on Tuesday I saw Jen and had lunch with her. We went to Amcci's (however its spelled) and I had awesome eggplant sandwhich. The sandwhich tasted jut like eggplant parmegena! I love that stuff, my pops has to teach me how to make it. Anyway, then on wednesday I went out with Marisol, Ricky and Frank. We went to go play baseball. Well actually I didn't play. Ricky tooks us to where all his buddies were playing somwhere in El Segundo. The park is beautiful. Too bad only snobby rich people play there..i'll say more about that later. So we get there and findhis buddies. I was excited to go and play, but when I saw the number of guys there and how big they were, I just sat down on bleachers with Marisol. Well at least I went jogging with Frank around the park in order to warm up. SO they begin to play baseball and hit the ball to the roof of the snack shack. They get the ball yadda, yadda, yadda. Marisol and I decide to take a walk. It was a bit late. It was about 8 or 9 when we were walking around EL Segundo. There were some realyl cute shops. After about an hour of walking we go back to the park only to find that the boys got kicked out of the park. Like I said stupid ricky snobby people. Apparently they had to be part of a park league to play. Which is complete bullshit. It is a public park. They are tax payers, let the boys play baseball! Geez they didn't hurt anyone. AH well. I hope whoever those people were experience rejection of something fun at some point intheri lives. Like If they buy nascar race tickets and when they get their they are lost haha that would be great if that happened to them .Remeber people, Karma's a bitch! OUr spirits weren't dampened. After sayign bye to the guys, Marisol, Ricky, Frank, and I were on our way to a starbucks. However only me and Marisol went in...Frank and Ricky...being the boys that they are, went to hollywood video to look at some movie of  somesort lol. I had the new banana caramel frap. and Marisol had they new banana coconut frap. They were both great. So I got home eventually and that was that. Then friday Marisol and I hung out with Steven and Alex in Venice (as usual).  Stven, Eddie, and Alex played for us. Oh yes and steven made a song called "Marisol's a bitch" haha best impromptu song ever! ahahaha Yesturday I went to Venice beach again. This time I went with Dean. I taught him how to boogie board =D We were in the water for like 5 hours so i am completely pooped out today. Now i have to get back to my homework so away I go ladies and gent!

current mood: pooped out

(do you wanna die?)

Monday, June 5th, 2006
1:07 am
1 am. I write my paper nostalgically , counting the days until I can finally go home. But I know that when I am home, I will be counting the days until I come back to riverside. But that's besides the point...so a journal. Let's see today I:

1. Finally bought myself a compact mirror

2. Attempted to buy some Jamba juice with Dean and Ligia, but the place was out of bananas, mangos, orange sherbert, and other items, so that didn't work

3. Found a couple of aritcles that I can use for my paper.

4. Actually started my paper.

5. discussed "To Wong Fu..." briefly with Dean

6. Swam in the pool with Glo and Ligia for over an hour.

and now 7...am still awake trying to write my paper.

My life is not all the exciting anymore. Maybe it's the city I am in...maybe it's the lack of time. Perhaps it is a combination of both. Riverside closes at 8p.m. unless you want a gay bar, or a bar filled with kappas, gammas, alpha cacas, you name it. So no thanks. The one thing I have to get around to doing is going to the local drive-in theatre. Still haven't done that. Maybe cause there isn't a decent movie that iam interested in seeing...already saw X-men, and Da vinci....over the hedge?? oh I guess there's the break up...I can watch that. Well I suppose I should go pound away at the keyboard and look busy until 10 am when my class starts. oh note to self buy the 1963 version of the haunting,...book was good.

(do you wanna die?)

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